O, Woe is Me, My life is a Misery
by We Are the Walrus
Summary: Hermione has never been known as a beauty, she was always known as the Gryffindor Bookworm, but in this comedic coming of age story, she learns that when getting what you want you get much more then you bargained for and a pair of scary platform heels
1. It Isn't Going to Get Any Better

**A/N: Hey, we are back for another run with a story that is a little more comedic then our others. It features a cynical Herms who's life is a shit sandwich. So, enjoy, and please review! We would like to know what you all think!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter and co.**

Chapter One: It Can't Get Any Better…Can it?

Let's face it, everybody knows a bookworm. The primary subject of everybody's looks of pity. 'Look at that poor girl' is probably the sentence that I have heard most of my life. I have never had, 'she is such a beauty' or, 'I wish I was her'. Oh no. Never, not me. Not Hermione Granger.

I grew up with Dentists as parents. The irony of this is actually brilliant, seeing as up until 6th year, I had teeth as big as the bloody Eiffel Tower. Unfortunately, I was given my mother's frizzy hair (that resembles a **huge** lion's mane) and my father's lanky, giraffe body. So, when you add my hippo teeth, my lion's mane and my giraffe body you get Africa. O…Woopdidoo.

I am till this very day best friends with the Boy Who Lived (too long) and Weasel – otherwise known as Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. And, lucky for me, I am the right hand girl. The one who came up with all the answers quick-smart. Basically, I am the brains behind the brawn. O joy. I am therefore, the sidekick.

Ron, Harry and I have to be the three biggest misfits that have ever walked the halls of Hogwarts. Ron has bright red hair and resembles a flies' landing strip with the amount of freckles he has. And Harry, the boy wonder, has a scar on his face that resembles a lightning bolt…and they call me a _freak_. It was in fact, a miracle that us three landed up together in the end because if we didn't, Merlin knows the ridicule we would have had to put up with.

These holidays (at the Burrow), I had my first kiss from…guess who? None other then Ron Weasley. I always imagined my first kiss to be romantic…like at a sunset, or at the beach. Not in the bathroom after I had just brushed my teeth.

I guess all girls think that kisses are slow, passionate…making you want to buckle at the knees…but mine, o no. I expected tonsil surgery when we were done. Let me set you the scene…

"Herms"

"Yes Ron?"

"Uh…can I use your toothbrush?"

"Then basically you would be swallowing my spit"

"I know I better way…"

And then, he went in for the kill. Now, I am presuming we are a couple. And now, having Ron at my side I have no doubt that I am Africa because, I am now attracting the flies.

So there you have it, my life. And it cant get any better…can it?


	2. Things One Cant Buy

**A/N: Hey, we hope you enjoyed the first chapter! If you liked this, maybe you can check out some of our other stories too….xoxo P1 and P2**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter etcetera etcetera. **

Chapter Two: Things One Cant Buy

So, here I am, Platform 9 ¾. Ready for my 7th and final year of learning at Hogwarts. Yay…just what I needed, more learning. They don't call me the Bookworm for nothing you know. I have already read all this years textbooks at least 3 times over each. I can recite them forwards, backwards, upside down, right side up, sideways, diagonal…any way you choose.

But, this year, things are a tad different, I am Head Girl. And just with that, I feel that my life's work is complete. Dreams can come true…I think? And, I have a 'boy friend'. I think that's what you call it…although; I am still not sure what the preference of Ron's and I's relationship is. Sure, he and I kissed, but what does that mean? I think Ron has lost his virginity, so for him it could mean anything. I mean, he and I could be friends that occasionally kiss, or fuck-buddy's, or, kissers that are occasionally friends…I think I might just stick with boyfriend now that I think about it.

So, as I stood there in my tight jeans and pink tank top I wondered why people were looking at me. I am a freak, so what? Its nothing that the people of Hogwarts don't already know.

"Herms! Herms!"

I heard somebody calling me frantically. I turned around to see Ron pulling something that I think is his bag…

When he got to me he kissed me on the cheek…yes, maybe boyfriend is the correct preference.

"Hey" I said "I've been meaning to talk to you"

"And I, you" He replied.

"Can it wait till we get onto the train?" I asked. He smiled.

I had to admit, he himself had grown up over the summer. His lanky body had filled out and his eyes could make any girl melt. Its not as if I'm melting though. As hot as Africa is, I don't see it _melting_.

Harry was in close pursuit of Ron pulling his many bags and his birdcage containing a squawking Hedwig.

"Move it along lovebirds" He said with a wink. I had to roll my eyes at him. Lovebirds? Ok, what is with that? There are no such things as lovebirds…dumbass.

We got onto the train and found ourselves a compartment. And as soon as we were in there, Ron was on top of me.

"Whoa…slow down partner!" I said pushing him off me.

"Hmph" He replied, crossing his arms. "You're my girlfriend Herms; you should be expecting things like that".

Ah…my question has been answered.

"Now, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" He asked me.

"Oh, never mind, it isn't important. What about you?"

"Don't worry Herms" I think his question was the same as mine…

And with that, he leaned over and started kissing me, again. Cant boys keep their hormones to themselves?

Although, the 2nd time was better, a lot better. His tongue swirled around mine…searching every nook and cranny of my in-experienced mouth. Merlin, I'm sounding like some sort of sick romance novel. Not that I'm minding, of course.

"Chem, Chem" I heard from the other side of the compartment. I glanced up to see Harry, with a smirk upon his face.

"Honestly, control yourselves; I want to keep my breakfast in my stomach thank-you!" Harry said. I giggled at this, and I was quite thankful, it was either Harry or I that got Ron off of me, and thankfully it was Harry.

"Guys, guess what?" I said to get rid of the awkward silence.

"What?" The boys said in unison.

"Guess who made head girl?"

"The tree!" Ron said, just to piss me off.

"You!" Harry said

"Uh-huh! That means I get to have my own room…sharing a common room and a bathroom with the head boy…"

"Its times like these I wish I were intelligent" Ron said, his eyes twinkling. I knew exactly what he was implying.

"Oh, come off it! You made Quidditch captain!"

He smiled his broad smile. "Yeah, I guess so!"

It was then the door swung open and there, walking into our compartment was a very…hot looking Draco Malfoy.

"Weasel, Pothead, Mudblood"…the standard greeting of course.

"What could you possibly want Ferret?" I said rolling my eyes at him.

"You" he said huskily. All I could do was blush…

"Well you cant have her!" Ron started in defence "She has a boyfriend! Me!"

"I don't want her like that. Gross" (way to go for my ego Malfoy) "she needs to be in the Heads' compartment failure of this will result in the badge being taken away, and that would be ever worse then your little lover being taken away from you, wouldn't it, Mudblood?" He said. Merlin, does he know how to piss a girl off…and turn her on. Bastard. Jerk. Fuck-head. How I would like to punch his gorgeous little face in…

"Granger!" He barked, "Move it!" (Thanks for interrupting my day-dreams)

I picked up my bags and started to walk out the door when my wrist was grabbed.

"Herms" I spun around to see Ron.

"If he lays one of his greasy little fingers on you, I swear, I swear I will…I will…ill cut off his balls!"

"I honestly doubt that Ron" I sighed. He looked hurt, so I kissed him on the cheek "I'll see you guys later".

"Aww…cute, the mudblood has found true love"

"Bite me, Malfoy" I said.

"C'mon Granger, we both know that you can come up with better comebacks then that. I think spending all your time with Dumbo back there is really killing your intelligence".

"Go suck Snape's dick Malfoy"

"Been there, done that"

"Pouf" I said.

"We both know that I am not gay Granger"

"Malfoy, you are so deep in the closet that your in fucking Narnia" I retorted.

"What, care to join me in there". I had to roll my eyes; I knew when enough was enough.

Soon enough, we were in the Heads' compartment. It was like beauty and the beast in there…but who was the beauty and who was the beast? I had to ask myself. It was like Africa and Antarctica. Both A's…as well as A grade students. Looking at him, I had to feel so…ugly. I knew that I was ugly, and the fact that Malfoy kept on hinting at it wasn't making it any better on myself. But Africa is big and strong, and whatever he has, I can double it! I am better then him…I think. Sure, he has his looks, his cash, his charms, his marks, his charisma, his smirk, his girls…ok, who am I kidding? He has way more then I have ever owned in my life. I then caught myself looking at him every couple of moments.

"What you looking at Granger, something you wish you could have?"

"I don't want a pile of shit"

He smirked! (His smirk is like a comeback in itself!)

"Its funny Granger, every single other girl in Hogwarts wants this pile of shit"

"Go fuck yourself"

"I would be glad to"

And with that, I pulled out a book and pretended to be immersed in it. Even though, every couple of seconds I looked at something I could never buy…let alone have.

**A/N: there you go! Reviews would be great please!**


	3. 60 Points and a Confession

**Disclaimer: We do not own the characters! Just our absolutely fabulous plot! ;) **

Chapter Three: 60 Points and a Confession

If I had to make a personal add…this is what it would be:

Single female witch, looking for hot sex god, who has the same amount as _personal _skills as _interpersonal_. Enjoys reading, and long **hot** nights.

But, its not as if I was ever considering writing one. I mean, I do have a boyfriend. That is if you can consider him a boyfriend. I mean, he is a boy…and a friend. My friend for what, seven long, long years? So what is he, my 'boyfriend', lover, friend who I occasionally kiss…? Oh, here I go again! But who can blame me, its not every day you are put into this kind of predicament.

Don't get me wrong, I like Ron, really, I do. But I don't think I like him enough to have _that _kind of relationship with him. I wanted that kind of relationship two years ago. But now that time has passed, there is nothing I want more then to have his blasting tongue out of my mouth!

We have kissed seventeen times in the past two weeks. SEVENTEEN. ARGH. BLOODY HELL. All I want to do is scream! He can do great things with his tongue, like, he rolls it in my mouth…I enjoy kissing him, although public displays of affection aren't really my forte.

And tonight, he started feeling me up. And its not as if I could say no, he is my 'friend who I kiss twice a day' (otherwise known as my boyfriend). So, there we were, in the Astronomy Tower, his tongue was in my mouth and his busy hands were down my shirt. Now I know what they mean when people say, 'keep your hands to yourself!'

His hands were roaming under my black (lacy) bra – courtesy of my mother. And who happens to walk in on us, none other then Professor Severus Snape. Life just cant get any better for me, can it?

Can you just picture it? Ron's tongue rapping my mouth, and Snape walking in with a face that said, 'I would rather be fucking a werewolf then be witnessing this'. His face twitched with anger when Ron and I had detangled ourselves.

"Do I even need to say how many points are being taken away from Gryffindor for this offence?" Snape drawled

"55?" I asked.

"60" He replied "now, get out of my sight before I cut off your hands Weasley for this offence. If I ever find you here again Weasley, I will cut off something else"

Once Ron and I were back in the common room, huffing and out of breath I managed to get out, "that wasn't the first time he caught you in there, was it?"

"Umm…no"

"Ok" I said wearily "who was the last person he caught you in there with"

Ron's face then went the colour of his hair.

"Lavender, Parvati, Pansy and…Harry"

"I see…" I managed to say "well, I'll see you in the morning Ronald"

I then walked out of the Gryffindor common room and started to walk down the corridors to the Heads rooms.

Well…Ron had been a very busy boy in Hogwarts recently. Then it hit me! I am 2nd…3rd…4th…5th best. So that means I was never his first option. I was his 5th. His 5th option. I'm not that ugly…am I? Wow, my self confidence had to have skyrocketed at that moment in time. So, now that Ron had defined his preferences, what was I to do? Carry on this relationship with him? Well, it wasn't as if he was _cheating _on me. Therefore, I had no reason to dump him. Although, why was it that I had the wish that he could slip up?

And then at three am that morning, I jumped up from my sleep. "Oh my god!" I basically screamed, "Ron is bisexual!"

**A/N: Bet you never saw that coming…well, neither did we! Press that review button please!**


	4. Don't Dream it, Be it

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**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter or Rocky Horror Picture Show (which our reviewers noticed we were using…)**

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**Who is with me through everything,**

**Who will be there for me no matter what I do,**

**P2, my love, this is for you…**

Chapter Four: Don't Dream it, Be It

The next day, I had to act like nothing happened, as if I wouldn't…but then again, my boyfriend is bisexual – could Harry possibly be a better kisser then me? I think, if I ever found that answer out, I would assist Snape in his threat to cut something off other then Ron's hands.

So there we were, breakfast in the great hall, and Ron was basically on top of me. And today, fish was on the menu. Sardines, Tuna, Salmon, Red fish, Blue fish, one fish, two fish and kippers. So, all I could do was sit and watch Ron eat piece after piece after piece of fish. Gross.

After breakfast we were walking down the hall (which somehow was abandoned…) and Ron pushed me into a corner. And he tried to start making out with me.

"No, no, no. Lips that have touched kippers shall never touch mine Ron"

"Is it that your dislike the fact that I have eaten kippers for breakfast, or the fact that I have pashed Harry?" he asked sharply.

I never saw that coming. But, he did have a very valid point.

"Kippers, Ronald, Kippers"

"I know you dislike the fact that I pashed Harry, it was written all over your face last night when I told you" Well duh Ron, it's not something I wanted to know! "I was just trying to be honest with you Herms. Boyfriends and girlfriend should be honest with each other, shouldn't they?"

"I…uh…"

"Exactly"

"Look, Ron, it was a bit of a shock and I'll get over it. Just give me time ok?"

"Yeah, whatever. Look, why don't you come up to my dormitory tonight? No-one will be there" He said while winking.

"Yeah, sure. What time?"

"Seven"

"Yeah, I'll be there"

So then Ron walked off, which left me to wonder what he and I would get up to. Kippers…blech. Bisexuals…**blech**.

The rest of that day was basically uneventful. Except for the fact I was teamed up in potions with Ron. I swear, Snape has some sort of unresolved tension when it comes to Gryffindors.

"Granger!" Snape barked at me "Your potions partner is Malfoy, move, NOW"

"Well, well, well. So, mudblood, shall I be expected A grades this term?"

"Malfoy, I'm not going to be doing your work for you"

"But" he said – and I suddenly found his hand on my thigh "I could work on you"

"Malfoy!" I said as I pushed his hand off my thigh "No! Certainly not! I have a boyfriend!"

"Pfft! Ron? Isn't he the one with the boyfriend?"

I wasn't sure if Draco was implying that I was somewhat butch, or that he knew about Ron and his…whereabouts.

"What do you mean, boyfriend?"

"Oh, c'mon! As if you didn't know! Everybody knows!"

"Know what…?" I asked cautiously

"About him and Harry, I guess you were so engulfed in your books that you didn't notice"

Did everybody know but me? How did Malfoy know?

"How do you know this?"

"I have my sources Granger"

I looked at him sceptically. I swear, if Malfoy was gay too, I wasn't sure what womankind would do…not that I cared if Draco was _gay_. I just cared for female kind's sake…or, was it my sake?

"Look, Malfoy, can we not work on potions? I don't care about your sources, or how you know my boyfriends whereabouts, I just care about my marks, and about the fact that yet again, your hand is on my upper thigh and I would be very grateful if you could remove it please" I said as sweetly as possible.

"Granger, dream a little dream of me"

I couldn't deny that I enjoyed having his hand on my upper thigh, moving closer and closer to the source. It had pained me that I had to ask him to remove it. I had a boyfriend though. I can't cheat, that is beneath me! I will not sarcome to Slytherin ways. Although…it was just too tempting.

Oh, who am I kidding? He is so much higher then me. He and I could never work out. He is ice cold, and I am kind.

Thousands of muggles go to Africa yearly on holiday. And only scientists go to Antarctica. So, was it at all possible that all the scientists are female?

I decided to look at the differences between Africa and Antarctica.

Africa: Hot!

Antarctica: Ice cold

Africa: family kind of place

Antarctica: For professionals only.

Africa: people _like _Africa! (I think…)

Antarctica: people like to _look _at Antarctica.

Ok, who was I kidding? There was absolutely no point in me looking at our differences. I knew that I was just trying to fool myself into believing that he and I could never work.

Women these days, we want it all. I have a boyfriend, yet I want Draco. I have the greatest marks in the year, yet I want to justify myself by doing something more extravagant. No, it's not enough I helped to defeat the dark lord, it's not enough I'm a genius and it's not enough that I have the 'perfect' boyfriend. Having it all I'm afraid, does not exist. I have it all right here in the palm of my hand. Yet, I want more. But why?

By the end of the day's classes, I was so tired. So very, very tired. So I wondered up to my room, had a shower and fell into my bed. I had already done my homework during lunch break. So, I figured a little nap couldn't help. Although now, I wish I hadn't, because Malfoy's request (more like an order) to 'dream a little dream of him' happened. And the subconscious mind never lies…

_Sitting in the Head's common room, Hermione noticed that the lights were dimmed. She decided to ignore it, there was probably nobody there she told herself. _

_Next thing she knew, there was somebody's hands on her shoulders, massaging away all the stress that had built up there over the last couple of weeks._

"_Who is this?" she asked, while moaning at the person's hands work._

"_Hush…give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Give yourself over to me"_

_Hermione knew exactly who the stranger was…none other then Draco Malfoy. He his were moving slowly down her back, kneading away all her stress and pain. Hermione then found him right in front of her. He stroked her every facial feature, from her soft delicate nose, to her high cheekbones._

"_Do you realise you have the most beautiful face?"_

_It was then that his lips came crashing down on hers, and their mouths were having the eternal battle of dominance. Hermione eventually let Draco win, because, he knew what he was doing and as he said before, 'give yourself over to absolute pleasure' and this was exactly what pleasure was supposed to be._

_His hand then started inching down towards her breasts…_

Oh holy mother fucking god! I just had a dream about DracoMalfoy. This is not right, not right at all. I told myself. What had come over me? I had Ron.

SHIT! Ron, I was late!

I jumped off the bed, threw on some jeans and started rushing down the many halls and stairs until I came to the Gryffindor common room. I was standing there, puffing, realising I had one more flight of stairs to go.

When I reached his room, I threw open the door. Only to find my worst nightmare confront me.

"Ron, what the fuck are you wearing?"

There Ron was, standing in the centre of the room. His outfit was one I had wish I would never see on an actual living person that was outside the muggle television screen. On his chest was a glittering gold and red corset, coming down to his hipbones with thread up the front of it. He was wearing simple black briefs with stockings attached to them. I looked down his long legs, to (at my absolute horror) she a pair of enormous platform shoes that were adorned with diamantes.

"O, dear god Ron"

"Hermione, this is what I am into? Cant you appreciate that…I was hoping you would help me fill out a certain fantasy of mine – "

**A/N: This chapter was for P2 (who loves RHPS just as much as I) and for all the other Rocky Horror lovers out there! Your reviews would be greatly appreciated!  
xoxo  
P1**


	5. Tralalala It Ain't No Crime

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**Disclaimer: Don't own HP or RHPS**

Chapter Five: Tralalala It Ain't Not Crime

"So this is what you and Harry get up to when I am not around?" I asked sceptically.

"I thought you were over that?"

"I was, but I don't think I'm ever going to get over this"

"C'mon Herms, it will be fun…and I will do something for you in return" He said, winking.

"Ron, no"

"Oh please, please, please!"

"Ron, not only do you look like a very gender confused female right now, you sound like one too. Now, get off your knee and get changed. Be a man for Merlin's sake!"

"Herms, this isn't some sort of crime!"

"Oh, yes it is! What are you, male or female, gay or straight?"

"I'm trisexual!"

"What does that supposed to mean?"

"I'm a shemale!"

"I think I worked that out for myself Ron"

"Look, Hermione, I really like you, and I would really appreciate it if you helped me out with this. You will like it!"

He then gestured towards the bed, and on there I saw another outfit just like his.

"Did Harry wear that?"

"Excuse me?"

"Did Harry wear that before me? Did Pansy, Lavender and Parvati wear that too?"

"I don't understand?"

"How many people have worn that outfit Ronald?"

"I would prefer to be called Frank N Furter"

"Whatever. How many, how many Ro – "

"Frank N Furter"

"I don't care!"

I started screaming. What else was I supposed to do? Go along with his little plan. Africa does not do transvestites. This is socially unacceptable! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against totally kinky fetishes, or transvestites for that matter, although, I will not, NOT play out some strange, twisted and downright weird fantasy thought up by my highly disturbed best friend/boyfriend/lover/friend whom I occasionally kiss/transvestite/boyfriend who has serious issues/etcetera etcetera.

"Look, Ron, don't get me wrong, I like you. But this is wrong. So, so totally wrong"

"Hermie…why don't you love me?" He said in the most annoying and degrading way possible, trying to entwine me in his little web of kinkiness.

I walked over to his bed and picked up the heel that was probably from the seventies and then I did something that I never expected I would do. Me usually be the calm and rational one, would have calmly told him to get undressed and do it the normal, no strange outfits way. But this new me…she was pretty fucking pissed off!

"Ronald, or should I say Frank N Furter, you and your multiple lovers can go and stick this…this heel up your bisexual ass! Merlin knows how many times you've had things up there before!" And with that, I threw the heel at his head and walked out the room with all the grace I could possibly have handled at the time.

I walked back to the heads dorms with my head held high. Not letting my emotions get to me. There were 1000 thoughts running through my head at once. So, I made a list!

Fuck, holy mother fucker fuck! My 'boyfriend' is a transvestite

My transvestite 'boyfriend' wanted me to wear a kinky fetish corset and weird garter thingys

Harry, Lavender, Parvati and Pansy had all worn the freaky outfit and done it with him

O dear Merlin! Ron isn't a virgin! And neither is Harry! (I'm not even going to bother to go into Parvati, Lavender and Pansy, because, even the portraits know of their late-night-rendezvous)

Therefore, I am the 'child' of the Golden Trio. But let's face it; they have the mental stabilities of children, so I was still on top.

I wonder how many 'positions' they have been in?

RON AND HARRY HAVE HAD SEX

This isn't good…what is Malfoy doing in the hallway?

What is Malfoy doing with Ginny attached to his mouth?

OK, enough with my list, since it was so rudely disrupted by Ginny's mouth attached to Malfoy's and his hand was attached to her left breast! Lord, am I the only virgin left (grrr…ill just wallow in my sorrows later)

"Chem, chem" I said once. Hopefully that would get their attention.

"CHEM, CHEM" I tried again. Dammit, they were stubborn!

"**CHEM, CHEM**" I tried finally.

"Cant you see I'm busy, Mudblood?"

"Cant you see I don't care, Ferret?"

"Then why do you insist on interrupting us?"

"Why do you insist on continuing?"

"Would you like to continue with us?" Draco asked me. O god no. What is with this school and fetishes!

"You wish Malfoy. I am here to collect my friend. Ginny, move it out!" Ginny pulled one of those sulky faces at me. Usually, I would have just walked away and given her one hell of a lecture in the morning, but tonight, tonight I was in an especially bad mood.

"MOVE!" I screeched. Ginny mouthed 'sorry' to Malfoy and began running down the hallway.

"Ok Granger, what the fuck?"

"What? It's against school rules!"

"You're just jealous because your 'boyfriend' can't comply with your needs"

Then, he started edging towards me, really dangerously.

"Malfoy…what are you doing…"

"Hush Mudblood, I'll show you what a real man is"

Yeah, that's something that Ron definitely isn't…I wasn't even sure anymore if Ron even was a _man_.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" I started saying "NO!" I finally roared.

"Woah, Granger, what got your knickers in a twist?"

"Just, please, no" I said in basically a whisper, the embarrassment plastered all over my face.

"Fine, whatever" he said and started walking away. Smug bastard.

As soon as Malfoy was out of earshot, and eyeshot I fell down the wall and started to cry. O god, I was crying. I haven't cried since…I don't know when. This was just all getting too much for me. So I made a new list:

_Why What Ron Did Was Definitely a Crime_

He is my 'boyfriend'…I think

This is just against nature!

He has lovely legs…ok, that is totally against the point!

I do not look good in corsets!

I do not what a girl for a boyfriend

It wasn't really a crime was it? Just some sort of…unusual fetish.

My better judgement is telling me _not _to judge him

He and Harry are fudge packers! (Not that I have anything wrong with Gay men. Just not Ron. Ew!)

This is useless, isn't it?

When I got back to my dorm I was thankful to find Malfoy was in his room. And then it hit me. The awful truth of tonight hit me. GINNY AND MALFOY WERE MAKING OUT! Ok, this night has disturbed me in more ways then I can ever describe.

Ron and Harry are gay.

Ron and Harry have weird arse fetishes.

Malfoy is hot (what?).

Ginny and Malfoy were making out.

I am the only virgin in our little group.

O Merlin, I am a virgin. No men want me. None. Who wants a giraffe/lion/hippo for a girlfriend? WHO? _Ron does _a little voice piped up in my head. _Shut up before I punch the living day lights out of you! _I thought. _Hmph_.

I can't be that ugly can I?

So I got up, and looked at myself in the mirror. There were blotches all over my face from my tears. I couldn't make a decision on whether or not I was ugly.

So, I did something incredibly stupid.

"Malfoy"

I whispered after walking into his room, finding him in his boxer shorts lying on his bed reading a book.

"What is it that you could possibly want Granger?"

"Am I ugly?"

He then did something so incredibly cruel, he snorted. He snorted!

"Just forget I asked" I said before walking out the room. Suddenly, I felt a grip on my wrist.

"Wait"

I turned around to see Malfoy face to face with me.

"You're not ugly at all. You're very pretty. Maybe even hot if you didn't have your clothes on" (way to go to ruin the moment Malfoy) "The point is, you deserve much better then Weasel face"

I don't know what possessed me. Whether it the amount of hormones in my body, or the fact that I was so angry at Ron that I wanted to get back at him or maybe it was because I had nothing better to do with my time. Or, maybe, just maybe, it was because Malfoy had just said the most romantic thing anybody ever said to me. And it wasn't even that romantic…and that's saying something!

So, my mouth lunged at his.

Enough said.

Dammit, he is a good kisser!

**A/N: Ok, are you hanging by a thread? Do you want to know what happens next…if so, please press that review button! Eager to know what you think…xoxo!**


	6. Sword of Damocles

**A/N: Hello again! Thank you so much to all the reviews! I hope I replied to all of them adequately. Well, for my story, I decided to do some research on the Sword of Damocles (seeing as the title of this story comes from a song called Sword of Damocles which comes from the Rocky Horror Picture Show). And I found out, that when you say 'the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head' it means you have the feeling of impending doom….**

**Anyway, I thought I would share that all with you. So, please enjoy this chapter! **

**Disclaimer: do you think I would be writing fanfiction's if I owned Harry Potter or Rocky Horror Picture show?**

Chapter Six: Sword of Damocles

Men, they make me sick. If you even bother disagreeing with me, I would so gladly prove you wrong because you obviously do not know or understand the predicament I am in at this current moment. So, I shall tell you. My 'boyfriend' has a fetish of dressing up as a transvestite and is bisexual. My other best friend, well, Merlin knows what kind of crazy shit he's into. And now, at this very moment, I am sucking face with my sworn enemy.

Lovely, isn't it?

Well, I truly don't understand men. They say they hate you, yet, they have some weird lust thing going on for you. So, I totally don't understand that. Other men, _men _that like to dress like 'women'. Now, if they aren't physiologically disturbed, then Voldemort might be sane.

So, at this very moment, the sword of Damocles is clearly hanging over my head, because, I know, that the Golden Trio are about to have a major fall out. It's not as if I haven't seen this coming from the start of term. Isn't it obvious when a country, a bisexual and a boy-who-lived-to-become-a-woman are best friends that there is going to be one hell of a screw up?

There I was. In Malfoy's bedroom, playing tonsil hockey, and I was letting him win this game, because, I wanted a functional relationship. Yes, I know, Malfoy's and I's relationship is highly dysfunctional, but it's the closet thing I have at the moment that I would call healthy.

I started taking off my robes, in a quick hurry. What was I thinking, that I would get anywhere with him? Maybe he was thinking the same thing…our faces were still attached while he was unbuttoning his robes, and my hands slid behind his neck and because they were there, he finished my robes off for me.

I couldn't believe it. There I was, with a boy that I had never had a proper, intelligent conversation with in my life basically pulling each other's lips off.

I realised that suddenly I was in my undergarments and his hand was sliding down my bra. I won't lie, it was ecstasy. Pure bliss. I don't remember feeling so alive since…well…ever. His hands were kneading my breasts while he was pushing me onto his bed and he began stroking my upper-thigh.

And then, he had his way with me…I wish.

Of course, me being Hermione Granger, intelligent and always being rational, I had to say, "Stop". Goddamit, I am a fucking fool. Dammit all to hell!

"Huh…what do you mean, 'stop'"

"I mean, stop, please, stop"

He slid off me, and looked at me. He being in his green silk boxer shorts didn't make it any easier for me. I sat up and looked around nervously.

"Granger, don't be such a frigid bitch"

Did he just say that, did he seriously just say that?

"Excuse me?"

"What do you expect of me mudblood, you come in my room, looking all sexy with the little tears and such and start kissing me. We get practically naked and while I'm about to do you, you tell me to stop! Please, don't tell me that you expect me not to be slightly aggravated!" He said, gradually getting louder till at the end of his sentence it's basically a scream.

"I'm sorry"

"So am I. Never, ever expect this from me ever again. Now, _get out_!" He bellowed.

I quickly got up, got my stuff and ran out the room and he slammed to door behind me. I fell down the wall, crying my eyes out. I cried for all that recently happened. I cried for Ron, I cried for Harry, I cried for Draco (not that he deserved it though). This year was supposed to be my year. Where everything went right. Grandpa Voldie was finally turning in his grave, so I expected to have at least a normal few months before something new and unexpected popped up for the Golden Trio to conquer.

Now, I am faced with a Shemale and a womaniser. It wasn't my fault that Draco and I kissed, He came onto me. I swear it. He was the one that told me I was pretty. I wouldn't have kissed him if he told me I was butt-ugly as per usual. I would have just slapped him and walked off. Or, was it possible that he told me that just to get into my pants. Ok, there goes my self confidence, sky rocketing as usual.

I didn't know who to turn to. Then I had an idea. I could go to Harry. He would understand…probably.

So, the next day, I got up early to 1) avoid Draco and 2) see if Harry had gotten up…he doesn't get a lot of sleep.

And, I was correct. Sitting in the Gryffindor common room was Harry doing his homework. He looked up when I walked in and smiled his big, toothy, (sexy) grin at me. Ok, why is it that only now, after seven years of knowing him, I only notice how cute Harry is. Pity he is…well, what is he? Is he a Ron? Or, a Draco. I am praying it is the later, for, I would rather a womaniser then a transvestite.

"Hey" he said.

"Hey. I need to talk to you"

"So, speak"

"Ok, recently, there has been a lot of shit happening. Ron is a transvestite and bisexual and I never knew. Did you know? Well of course you know. Shit, I just told you that I know. Is that alright? I know what happened between you too now. O Merlin. Harry? Harry why are you looking down like that? Are you upset that I know? Ron told me. He wanted me to play along with his little fetish thing. Harry? What should I do? And then Malfoy and I basically got to second base last night after he said I was pretty or something like that. Harry, are you crying? Of course your not. Did I make you cry? Are crying because of Ron? Cause if you are I'll beat him -" I basically said in a blur before Harry put his hand up as if to stop me.

"If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell a soul?"

I nodded my head.

"Ron, obviously, is a transvestite. I'm not. I'm straight…I think. Look, Ron and I did some stuff back at the burrow one night. It was just _one _night. I think he spiked my pumpkin juice or something. I'm not usually like that. I swear. He's done that stuff with not only me, but Lavender, Parvati and Pansy as well. Its starting to become a problem. He actually pounces on these girls while hes going out with them"

"Ron went out with Pansy?"

"Yes"

"O dear god, where was I when this happened?"

"Studying for O.W.L.s"

"Holy mother fucker, mother fuck!"

"Yeah, I know"

"Wait, Ron lost his virginity to Pansy, in fifth year? Oh my god"

"It gets better"

I can see the sword hanging right over my head. Yup, I could feel the doom coming my way.

"I lost my virginity to Ron"

I gulped and some of my spit went down the wrong tube and I started choking. Harry was patting my back frantically until I calmed down.

"Please Herms, don't tell. I'm not like that. I'm into girls. I promise"

He then looked at me weirdly. It was the look Malfoy gave me the night before. Oh holy mother fucker fuck. Not again. As soon as I new it, Harry's lips were upon mine. And, I had no objections…maybe Ron had taught him how to kiss…ok what am I thinking? Ron, Harry, kissing! Three words you never use in a sentence together!

Suddenly, doom walked in (otherwise known as Ron).

"What the fuck are you too doing?"

O fuck.

**A/N: Well, there you go! You know, P2 and I made up a song for whenever we get reviews and it goes a little something like this (sung to the tune of 'I feel Good')**

**I feel good (nanananana)  
I knew that I would now (nanananana) x2  
So good, so good  
I got reviews!**

**I feel nice (nanananana)  
I bet they read it twice (nanananana) x2  
So good, so nice,  
I got reviews!**

**So, kind readers, please give me a reason to sing my song!  
xoxo**


	7. Time Warp

**A/N: Ok, now the sword truly has dropped! (du du dun...). Thank you so much for the reviews! I truly had a reason to sing my little song and dance my little dance! **

**Xoxo**

**P1**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter – only the plot! Oh, that means I don't own RHPS either! (damn!) **

Chapter Seven: Time Warp

Let me take you back to fourth year. Three years ago. Ah…where innocence ruled and sexual innuendo had no real meaning. It was in this year we had our first Yule Ball. I have to admit myself, I did look fucking fabulous. It was truly the first time I had pulled myself together. I walked down the stairs to the great hall with such a grace, holding myself up with my chin high in the air, feeling as if nothing could bring me down. Well, that's what I thought.

Of course, Ron being the selfish git that he is had to ruin my night. I was quite delighted with myself. My date was three years older then me, and most of the girls I knew had a picture of him posted up in their dorms. So, of course I had euphoria running through my veins. I remember dancing with Krum. True, he was a bumbling idiot, but he was sweet and he genuinely liked me. Ron, of course, had to go out of his way to make sure that I cried that night.

I remember Ron asking me to the dance; it was what I always wanted because I had quite the crush on him, although, he asked me as a last resort because no other girls wanted him. And that hurt me, it really did. Telling him that I already had a date gave my ego quite the trip, although, when he ruined my night, it brought all the defences I made for myself down.

He told me that he was using me and that he was too old for me. Of course, I was only 14 so I wasn't going to let Viktor do anything more then feel me up. As if I would? Remember, I am Hermione Granger, the Gryffindor know-it-all and prude. I may have not had the date that I truly wanted, but at least I still had my dignity.

The next year, I started to notice that Ron would look at me even more. And it was weird for me, even though he had broken my heart, I still wanted him. And that wasn't right, it wasn't logical. And knowing me, of course everything I did had to have had correct logic behind it. But the heart has absolutely no logic in it whatsoever.

Then, in sixth year, he started acting even worse. He went out with Lavender. All I ever would see is them snogging themselves senseless in the Gryffindor common room. This hurt me so much. He knew how I felt, and to make matters worse, I couldn't get rid of the feeling.

And now, now, he dresses up as a 'woman' and prances around in platform shoes fucking unsuspecting boys/girls senseless. So now, I know, not to lean over in dark corridors. And I refused to be next on his hit list. What was so alluring about him anyway? If you ask me, he is kind of repulsive – now that you think about it. Who like bright red hair anyway?

Well…me for one. O gods, this is what I get for being good. You know what; I am starting to agree with Murphy's law. When something bad can happen, it will.

This year, I have felt more alone then ever – although, my tonsils haven't. In the past month, I have snogged Ron, Draco _and _Harry and been felt up by two of them. Well, this may have been most Hogwarts girl's dream, although, as a reality it is more like a nightmare.

Time, is a pretty warped thing. If you ever retrace the memories you have, you will find them half forgotten for, time takes it away from you. Isn't if funny how you can never seem to remember the good things, although, in clear details, you can always remember the bad?

Each day you are shorter of breath, and then, closer to death. So, when the time is warped and the sun has finally set, who will I be with and how will it all end?


	8. The Sourness of Being a Transvestite

**A/N: Sorry about the last chapter, I was in a philosophical mood! Hope you liked the last chapter anyway! Ok, here is a more frivolous and totally hilarious chapter, involving a love…pentagon?  
Ps. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL MY REVIEWERS…I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned HP and RHPS**

Chapter Eight: The Sourness of Being a Transvestite

So, where was I? O yes, snogging Harry and who should appear on the staircase, none other then the sweet transvestite himself – Ronald Weasley.

"What the fuck? Harry, get off my girlfriend!" Ron stormed down the stairs and proceeded to push Harry off me.

"And you, I thought you cared about me!"

"Ron, I do!"

"Then why are you pashing Harry? We are still going out! Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?"

Low blow Ron, low blow.

"Ron! It was an accident, I swear! Please, let me make it up to you!"

Good one Hermione, real smooth. Going right back to the monster's lair.

"My dormitory ten o'clock. If you don't come, it's over"

Ron then stomped back up the stairs, grumbling with every step.

"You are aware that he will probably have some sort of 'special' surprise waiting for you when you get there tonight?"

"Trust me Harry, I know"

"You don't have to do anything that you don't want to you know?"

"With who… him or you?" I said, noticing I was inching myself closer to him. What was I doing? This isn't right. "Harry, wait, I can't. Not while Ron and I are still together" I said smiling weakly. Then, he ruffled me hair.

"Yeah, I know, he is the possessive type"

And with that, Harry got up and walked up to the boys' dormitories. Then I realised, there was still the question of Draco.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

After classes, I was completely buggered to say the least. I was in absolutely no mood to go back to my sanctuary and have it disturbed by Draco Malfoy, or Ron either.

I got back to Draco and I's common room only to find him ensconced on the couch…jerking off.

"Malfoy! You have a bedroom! Go, out, now!"

Then, he smirked at me. He Goddamb smirked at me! After I found him masturbating, he smirked! Shouldn't he be ashamed?

He stood up (naked) walked over to me.

"Uh…Malfoy, what are you doing?"

"Making it better for me"

"I have a boyfriend Malfoy" I said, him inching ever so close to me.

"I know"

"Malfoy" I whispered "what happened to never expecting anything ever again?"

"I changed my mind. And you just look so damn sexy when you're frustrated"

I then noticed he was less then 10 centimetres away from me. I swear, if I weren't going out with Ron, I would have lunged at him, pinned him down and fucked him till Christmas time. Although, the situation being as it is, I could not (like usual) do what I want.

He was getting closer to me and I found myself suddenly pinned us against the wall. As much as I was enjoying it, I knew it was wrong…although, who would he tell…wait, this is Draco _I'm going to tell the world I took Granger's virginity _Malfoy. Shit.

"Malfoy, no"

"C'mon Granger…we both want it so bad"

"I am saving myself Malfoy"

"Well, I'm sure you're not spent yet…"

And with that our tongues were lashing against each other, the same tongues that threatened to kill each other at least seven times a day. It didn't make any sense at all. Soon, his kisses were trailing down my neck, collar bone and down my chest.

"Oh, oh, no, no, stop – I mean help!" I said weakly. Ok, I had to stop this.

"Malfoy, no!" I said sternly.

He then looked at me with such passion and anger I thought he was going to hit me.

"Fine. Whatever Granger. Tell me when you're not a wimp anymore. Bitch"

His words stung me. I had a boyfriend!

"Malfoy, wait – "

"Granger, you've ruined the mood"

"Look, I'm sorry, I'm still dating Ron"

"Yeah, and he's dating Crabbe"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, you heard me. He's dating, or should I say, doing Crabbe"

"I…no…how…why" I sputtered.

"Get out of my face Granger" he finally said and walked off.

Ok, now this was getting needlessly cruel. The sword has finally dropped and once again, Murphy's Law has been proven correct. Yes, everybody out there, when something can possibly go wrong, it will. But this, this isn't just wrong; this is unfair and needlessly cruel – and disgusting.

I have to say, I am very confused…I am dating Ron, but he is dating Crabbe and I am fucking around with both Harry and Draco…so much for love triangles, try a pentagon!

Needless to say, I was mighty pissed off! Ron was cheating on me. Wait – I'm just as bad as him. Oh dear Merlin, how did I get myself into this situation.

I myself pitied Malfoy. I had lured him on _twice _and then dropped him like a new-born giraffe. And now I am randomly pashing Harry, which isn't good for our friendship. And Ron just had to drag Crabbe into this. What could he possibly see in Crabbe in the first place? I am so much better looking then Crabbe…wait. O lord, here comes the self confidence train…Well, lets think about it in Ron's point of view. What would he prefer, a country or a crab?

I sulked up to my room and lay down on my bed, setting my alarm for 9:30. Joy is the world.

OoOoOoOoOo

"Ron?" I asked opening the door to his dormitory. I found it completely and utterly empty.

"Ron, this isn't funny. Where are you?"

I closed the door and walked further into the room.

"Ron…"

And then, I heard something that stinged my senses.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania"

I knew that song…o god, Ron has gotten his hand onto some Muggle Movies.

"Don't get strung out by the way that I look,  
don't judge a book by its cover  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover"

I then turned around to see Ron, again, in his little ensemble, edging towards me with two martinis in his hand.

"What in fuck's name do you think you are doing Ronald Weasley?"

"Just a sweet transvestite…" He began singing again. I thought I was going to be sick.

"Ron, Ron, what are you doing? Ron!"

He then looked into my eyes and smirked. Ok, now it was getting creepy.

"Malfoy told me about you and Crabbe" I said, and he stopped dead in his tracks. "Great to know how much you value this relationship Ron"

"Well I could say the same about you seeing you and Harry going at it this morning!"

He retorted, suddenly looking very angry.

"Why Ronald, why?" I asked.

"Because Crabbe is good, I mean, despite the whole goon thing he has going on – "

"No Ron" I interjected "Why are you a transvestite?"

"Oh, that. Well, I can get best of both worlds. Men and women. If I could choose which to be, I would most definitely be straight. Although, there is just something so alluring about going to something that is forbidden, taboo" He said.

I had to admit, snogging Malfoy is just so much more hotter because nobody would approve.

"Look, Ron. I cant do this, I'm sorry. Its just. No, I don't even need to give a reason"

"You have a lot of prejudice you know Herms?"

"Yes, I do"

"C'mon what's the worst thing that could happen? You could even like it…"

"As if Ron!"

"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?"

"I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. Goodnight Ron!"

And with that, I walked out the room, passing Neville.

"Are you alright Herms, you look like you just saw a monster"

"You have no idea Neville, none at all"

A few moments later, I heard a scream coming from Ron's dormitory. I was guessing that now Neville did have some sort of idea of what kind of monster Ron had become.

**A/N: Hey guys! I hope you liked that! **

**Xoxo  
P1**


	9. What Do I Want?

**A/N: Hello all! I would just like to say thankyou to all you reviewers out there! I love the fuzzy feeling I get when I realise that I have a review sitting in my inbox! (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink).  
I decided that this story needs more Draco! Anyway, enjoy this chappie!   
xoxo  
P1 **

**Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, I would keep them under my bed and feed them rats and use them for barbaric torture exercises. Although, unfortunately, I don't own them. Neither do I own HP or RHPS. **

Chapter Nine: What do I Want?

As I lay in my bed that night, I began to ponder on what Ron had become. I knew his family were weird but I had no idea that they could turn a normal little boy into something like that.  
And then, I realised, I just ruined the friendship between Ron and I. And not only that, but Harry and I will never be the same again. Well…at least I don't think so, how do best friends react after they kiss each other widely?

The next morning, I got up and went into the bathroom to have a shower. And who should I see? Draco. Naked. Ok, which arm is supposed to tingle when you are about to have a heart attack?

"What are you looking at Mudblood?"

I didn't say a thing, I just stood there gaping. Gaping at his chiselled abs and rock hard stomach muscles. Gaping at his long, lean legs…his third leg…

"Mudblood" He barked. "What is it that you find so interesting about my naked body?"

I shook my head; I couldn't embarrass myself first thing in the morning.

"Nothing, now, would you please get out, I need to shower"

"Mudblood, you just saw me naked, so I want something in return" He said, slithering towards me. (what is with men and the edging towards girls? Its really intimidating and off putting…but I guess, its all in the Malfoy charm…).

"Your not getting a thing from me Malfoy"

"Oh, but I will, just let it take time" I then noticed he was less then a few centimetres away from my face.

"And what are you planning to take, Malfoy?"

"The thing you are scared most to loose".

Oh, I knew exactly what he was talking about. My virginity.

"Why are you so interested in me Malfoy? I don't have anything that you want and I'm not your type of girl. Don't you usually go for blond bimbo's? With perfect figures and tits the size of brazil?"

"ah…but you see Granger, you are. Those types of girls are cheap sluts that cant give me any satisfaction" He then leant in closer to my ear and whispered, "and besides, none of them are as hot as you". It sent shivers down my spine, and just as I was about to lean for a kiss, my better judgement got hold of me.

"I'm sorry Malfoy, no"

"Stop playing games Granger"

"The only game I am playing is the 'keep away from Malfoy' game. Now, get out and let me shower"

"Say the magic words…"

"Please?"

"Wrong"

"Now!"

"Wrong again Mudblood'

I knew exactly what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to say that I wanted him. I would not succumb to his cheap ways of getting me to say what he wanted to hear.

"Malfoy, please, get out, now!"

"Granger, we both know what I want you to say, and I'm not moving anywhere until you say it"

"I'm not going to say it Ferret"

"Well, I may as well set up camp then"

He then sat down on the floor, watching me. What was I to do? If I told him that I wanted him, then he would tell the world, he would follow me around and use more sexual innuendo then the sweet transvestite himself. And, if he saw me naked, then we would just want me more…would he? He finds me appealing…o god. What was I to do?

"Fine. I want you"

"Say it like you mean it"

"Never"

"Then, I'm not moving"

Argh! I said what he wanted. Jerk! So, I turned around, and started walking towards the shower and started taking off my clothes. I needed to shower, and, there would be enough steam so he wouldn't see me…I hoped.

Malfoy then wolf whistled at me when I had no top or bra on. To play it safe I kept my back to him the whole time. I stepped into the shower and turned it on hot, but not too hot to scald me.

He sat there and was gaping. He was actually gaping. I turned my head around to him and said.

"What are you gaping at Malfoy, my body or the fact that I actually have guts?"

He just continued to gape until his face took his usual sneer.

"I'm gaping at the fact that now I can use this against you" and then he smirked.

"Well, I saw you naked too Malfoy"

"Yeah, and who hasn't?" Dammit!

I accioed a towel and wrapped it around myself and walked towards him. He smirked at me.

"I have to admit Granger; I quite like what I saw. Maybe we can do this more often…"

"Forget it Malfoy" and with that I stormed out. What have I done! He will use this against me for the rest of my life! I wonder what is worse, the fact that Malfoy saw me naked and is continuously coming onto me or the fact that Ron and I just broke up and that he is a transvestite? Or, that Harry and I have pashed? I knew that this year would be strange, and hard. But not this difficult!

By the time I was dressed and was ready to go, I realised breakfast started in half an hour. So, I went down to the common room and read. I had nothing better to do. And as it turned out, neither did Draco.

"Malfoy, go die in a hole" I said as I saw him come down the stairs.

"If you come and sit in the hole with me"

"Go fuck yourself Malfoy"

"I already have" oh, Woopdidoo!

He came and sat next to me, and every time I looked up, I noticed that he was dangerously closer to me. The third time I looked up, he was basically on top of me.

"Malfoy! What are you doing?"

"Something that both you and I want"

And with that, his lips came crashing down onto mine. I had to admit, I was quite enjoying myself. His tongue was sliding over mine, going into every corner of my mouth. It was like heaven lived on his tongue. I started getting into it when I heard to voices coming up the corridor; they were basically screaming and running to boot.

The portrait swung open which revealed Harry and Ron (why did I give them my password?).

"Hermione"

"Ron"

"Hermione"

"Harry"

"Malfoy"

"Pothead"

"Malfoy"

"Weasel"

"HERMIONE" the boys screamed in unison.

Yup, I have a lot of explaining to do.

**A/N: Did any of you notice the RHPS reference in the last few lines…? Reviews would be nice…thank you! **


	10. In Too Deep

**A/n: Hey everyone, so sorry for the delay. You see, the thing is, my mother and father have banned me from the computer claiming that I am being sucked into a 'virtual reality' (otherwise known as fanfiction). And, I have had extreme writers block – which is a bit of a problem. Anyway, thank you so much to all the reviewers and hugs and kisses to **AntanaquiTraceyI, HauntedWhisper714glass onion** and **WannaBartist. **Enjoy this chapter! **

**Disclaimer: Ok, why do I even bother with this? We all know that I don't own any of this. Except the weird, twisted plot. That's mine. I don't think JK Rowling is quite insane enough to come up with this. **

Chapter 10: In Too Deep

Ladies and Gentlemen, step right up, step right up to see the girl that is in too deep. Yes, that is right. This is the girl that has fucked it up so royally that she can't even think straight. Don't be afraid ladies and gentlemen, she can not hurt you for her stupidity is blocking her will-power.  
And do you know who this girl is ladies and gents? That girl is me.

I actually still can't comprehend that I have gotten into this situation. Let me set you the scene: me and Draco, passionately kissing on the common room couch and Ron and Harry barging in, in a fit of absolute rage. I don't blame them actually; they have every right to be angry. First there's Ron, who I dumped the night beforehand and Harry who I randomly pashed – and now they find me ensconced on the couch with their sworn enemy.

"What in fucks name is going on?" Ron screeched at the top of his voice.

"I…uh…um…well…Draco…we" I managed to get out. I was caught red handed doing something worse then using the killing curse as far as my friends were concerned.

"I don't think you two dunderheads know how Hermione isn't as innocent as she seems" Draco said.

"You just called her Hermione!" Harry said, in complete shock.

"You just called me Hermione!" I said in absolute bewilderment.

"Yeah, well, that's her name isn't it dumb-arse? What am I supposed to call her? Seriously, mudbloods getting old"

I smiled in absolute delight. If I knew that he would start calling me Hermione if I pashed him, I would have done it in 2nd year. Although, in 2nd year, if you asked me my thoughts on pashing someone, I would have told you that it was 'disgusting, demoralising and unsanitary'.

Ron shook his head, still in shock.

"Hermione, what is going on? First you dump me, we were supposed to be together – "

"Don't you still have Crabbe?" Draco butted in.

"Yeah, but, what?"

"How long were you cheating on me for? I said angrily.

"You're one to talk!" That shut me up. "And then, your pashing Harry, which isn't normal at all! And now, we find you basically fucking Draco! Hermione this isn't healthy!"

"If I can but in here…" Draco tried to say

"Nobody asked you you're opinion Malfoy" Harry said.

"Nobody asked your's either Pothead. Ron, if she dumped you, she dumped you. There is nothing you can do about it. I would have dumped you too if I found out you were a 'trisexual' and Harry, what do you have against Granger pashing you? It's not like she gave you syphilis or anything"

"But…" Harry started.

"I can see the problem you have with her pashing me. But don't get used to it. Because it isn't happening again!" With that, Draco stormed out the room.

"What the fuck was that about?" Ron said.

"I think he just dumped Hermione" Harry replied.

"He and I weren't going out in the first place" I said, suddenly getting all teary.

"Aw, Herms, I'm sorry" Ron said coming over to hug me.

"No. Don't touch me. Don't give me any sympathy. I don't want it. I just want to be alone" I stuttered out and then ran up to my room.

When I was sure that they were gone, I went down stairs to sit on the couch. I sat down and I started to think. Why did Draco go off in such a huff, why did he say that he didn't want him and I doing anymore tonsil tennis? And then, I realised something. He defended my honour. He stood up for me! Me! The girl he has hated all his life. It didn't make sense whatsoever.

I was completely baffled. What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to go and thank him? Or leave him to plot ways to slip poison into my pumpkin juice? I chose the former. I mean, it's not like he was going to hurt me? Right? Wrong.

I found myself walking up to his room and knocking on the door.

"Malfoy, Malfoy, are you in there?"

I opened the door to find him on the bed grumbling.

"Uh…Malfoy"

"What?" He barked at me.

"I want to say something"

"Well, say it"

"Thank you"

"Get fucked!"

"What? What did I do wrong?"

"You are just you mudblood. Isn't that enough? You're messing up my life!"

"I…I don't understand"

He then got up and walked over to me and grabbed my wrist. I winced in pain.

"I want you to stay away from me" He murmured in my ear. "Stay away from me, away from my room and away from all my stuff. I don't want to hurt you".

And with that, he shoved me out of his room.  
I didn't know what to do. I had just lost my friends, and my 'fuck-buddy'.

Well, at least he doesn't dress in a sequined corset.

**A/N: Ok. I also now believe I am in too deep. Because, I have really complicated the plot now. Shit. O well. Reviews would be greatly appreciated!  
xoxo  
P1**


	11. Over At the Frankenstein Place

**A/N: Alright people! I am back, and I am really struggling to come up with RHPS related themes…help me…please…thank you so very much for all your kind reviews! I think now that my complication is good because it kind of adds more spice to the story. But never fear! Because all will be good in the end…reviews please!  
xoxo  
**

**Disclaimer: as you all already know, I do not own HP or RHPS**

Chapter Eleven: Over at the Frankenstein Place

To say that Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is a freak-show would be a heavy understatement. The castle walls have seen things that would leave your mouth hanging open in shock until you are seventy two. This place has seen three headed dogs, a snake like man who suffers from megalomaniac tendencies, doors that open if you tickle pears, talking paintings and now, Ronald Weasley. My best friend. Now, a new version of Frankenstein's monster.

I have now twice seen Ron in a sequined corset and platform heels. And, to say that I am disturbed is nothing to how I really feel. I am truly terrified and it let me to think, do I really know my friends? Let me get to the point of my little speech…Ron is still coming onto me. Even though I dumped him, even though I avoid him, I still find him in _my _common room waiting for me after I get back from classes.

The old Ron is now dead. He has now had his brain swapped and his body has definitely transformed from what it once was. No, he hasn't grown tits or anything, just…what he wears. On Hogsmeade trips he wears at least one item of clothing that includes sparkles. It is to say, quite terrifying.

Another monster in the Hogwarts walls would have to be Draco Malfoy. The object of my lust. It seems that suddenly, I have mentally hit puberty because I have only just noticed how gorgeous Draco Malfoy really is. I find it so sad though, because he is a jerk. He may be beautiful on the outside, but on the inside he would resemble a piece of crap. He is like a siren. He lures you in with his looks, and then kills you. I began to swim the warms waters with him, but I then found that he was pushing me away. And it made me so sad to know that I wasn't wanted.

Monsters roam the walls of Hogwarts. You may not be able to seem them, but they are there.

After the incident in Malfoy's rooms, I suddenly realised what I was getting myself into – thinking about Malfoy that is. I realised, the more I ponder about him, the more my attraction grows for him. It's like a cycle. A dance – a tango. He steps back and I step forward; I step back and he follows me on the dance-floor that we call Hogwarts. And how can I possibly end this dance if I am enjoying it so much?

OoOoOoOoOo

Before breakfast, I decided that I needed to talk to somebody who I knew understood me and would listen to me and hear about my miseries and woe's.

"Harry, can I um…can I talk to you? In uh…private? Please?" I said when I saw Harry making his way down to the great hall.

"Yeah, sure" He pulled me into a corridor.

"Are you alright?"

"I want to apologise for what I did. It was wrong; it was wrong of me to snog you like that. I don't know what came over me. And it was wrong of me to stab you and Ron in the back by going and…doing stuff with Malfoy"

All I got in response was a smirk. Harry smirked at me! That's it; the world truly is coming to an end.

"It's right Herms" Harry said after embracing me in a brotherly hug. "What was up with Malfoy anyway?"

"I'm not sure. After you guys left last night I went to go talk to him"

"Now why in Merlin's name would you do that?"

"Oh, I don't know! But, but…"

"Did he hurt you Hermione?"

"No" liar. "he just…he shunned me and told me to stay away from him"

"Hermione, it pains me to say that, but I agree with him. He is dangerous – "

"He's not. He's just misunderstood" Ok, where do I sign up for the insane asylum?

"Uh-huh, and Dumbledore is joining the dark side?"

"Ok, fine. I know"

"It's for your own good. Don't get involved in something that you can't handle. And besides, you're too good for him anyway"

He hugged me again and I couldn't help but giggle at his comment. Maybe I was too good for him? Well…in some ways compared to him I'm basically a novice…

OoOoOoOoOo

We had double potions first thing in the morning. First thing! I should seriously have a little chat with the person writing up the timetables because seriously, they must be more insane then good old Voldie himself.

We were making our way down to dungeons when we were so rudely interrupted to the wooden trio; Malfoy and co.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here…" he began while circling us.

"back off Malfoy, your presence is not wanted"

"That wasn't the case last night"

Harry suddenly walked forward and drew out his wand.

"Malfoy, I swear, you lay a finger on her and"

"And what?" Malfoy began, "You will send the Gryffindors on me?"

Crabbe and Goyle somehow found this hysterical.

"Harry, he's not worth it" I said tugging on his sleave.

"You're right" We started to walk off when I felt someone pull me backwards.

I turned around to be looking into a pair of steel, grey eyes.

"What happened to stay away from me Malfoy?"

"I'm a very jealous man, Hermione, and I don't like to see beautiful women with boys" he said glancing over to Harry.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're the only, boy, here" I retorted looking down to his nether regions. He blushed a deep scarlet and pushed me away.

"You'll pay for that mudblood"

"With what? Honestly Malfoy! What can you possibly to threaten me?"

"I can take what you're afraid of losing"

I just turned around and started walking off.

"And when it's taken you'll be so happy that it's gone and you'll be begging for more every night!" he called to me down the hallway.

Potions was a disaster in itself. Severus/Snivellus/Syphilous (as far as I'm concerned…) was in a particularly kind mood today so he decided not only to take away 150 points from Gryffindor, but also to give me detention. With Malfoy. Yipideedoo. Yipidee-fucking-doo. Why, might you ask? Well, that's what I ask myself, because, I didn't to anything wrong.

After Syphilous decided that Malfoy and I would be sitting next to each other and potions partners Malfoy started to put the 'moves' on me.

"Granger?"

"What?" I snapped at Malfoy, noticing his hand was on my knee.

"I take back what I said last night"

"That I'm a filthy mudblood or that I should stay away from you, you really should be more specific"

"You will always be a filthy mudblood…" his hand starting making circles up my leg "but since you're such an exceptional beauty…"

"stop touching me"

"What if I don't want to?"

"You really are a monster aren't you?"

"Yes ma'am"

Suddenly, his hand was basically at the entry doors.

"Malfoy, I'll say it one more time"

Then, I felt something I had never felt before. Yes, I liked it. But it was just so, so wrong.

"Malfoy!" I screamed and got up "don't touch me!"

"What is all this uproar?" I heard a bellow from the other side of the room and saw Snape walking towards us.

"20 points from Gryffindor. And detention, both of you. Tonight, my office 8 o'clock. Failing to comply shall lead to much more drastic measures!"

Snape walked off and do you know what Malfoy does? He smirks. He fucking bloody well smirks. Smug bastard.

To tell you the truth, I was nervous about the detention. In this Frankenstein place there are monsters all over the place and the fact that I would be spending my evening with to of the largest ones of all is something that didn't make me feel very comfortable.

I realised walking towards the dungeons that night. It's the monsters in my life that make my life complete. Even though Ron had turned into a something that resembles Frankenstein's monster, and Draco was a predatory beast they kind of make my life complete. Because, without my miseries, my problems and my woes, I would have completely nothing to talk about.

**A/N: Alright, there you go! I hope you liked it. I tried to be a bit philosophical but…I don't think I did it very well. I'm going to add more Ron scenario's in the next chappie, as well as that, I have ideas for the Halloween Ball (oops, I think I might have given something away…). Reviews would be greatly appreciated! I love you all!**

**Ps. 'If you want a success on Broadway, keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gaaaaay' (god bless Mel Brooks…) **


	12. What a guy makes you cry and I Did

**A/N: Hello one and all! I am so sorry for the delay. Honestly, it has been too long – and even I know that. Thank you SO much for the reviewers, you guys rock my socks! You guys are right up there with the Beatles, P2 and Good Old Frank'N'Furter! So now, without further ado, I bring you another twisted instalment of "O, Woe is Me, My Life is a Misery".**

**Disclaimer: Ok, do any of you _honestly _think I own Harry Potter or Rocky Horror Picture Show? I think not! **

Chapter 12: What a guy! Makes you cry…and I did

"Ah Miss. Granger, I see you finally decide to grace us with your presence" I heard a silky drawl from the other side of the room. Good old Snape, you have to wonder how long a rod has been up his arse for. And seeing from his attitude from the last couple of days, it must have grown spikes as well.

"Sorry Professor"

Of course, Malfoy was sitting on one of the Spartan chairs of the office. Looking elegant and precise (as usual), you could really appreciate not only his beauty, but his prissy hair-cut. After these last few days, I wouldn't be surprised if he was really a hermaphrodite.

"Tonight, you two shall be cleaning out caldrons. Every single one, and if I come back and they are not complete Gryffindor will be in minus numbers and Lucius shall be receiving an owl"

Then, he did the worst thing of all. He left us. _Left _us. Am I the only person here that understands the grave nature of this prospect? Hello, earth to Professor, if you think Neville's caldron exploding is bad, wait till you see the hurricane that has been made of this classroom when you return! Stupid-rod-up-his-arse-celibate-prick.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here Granger? You and me, alone…"

"I know exactly at what you are getting at Malfoy and I don't want to be involved in any way with your idle plans"

"C'mon, it's not so bad…I believe you will find it quite…pleasurable" He said, coming towards me.

"Look, Malfoy, how does 'no' sound?"

"Granger, I'm used to getting what I want"

Every step that he took towards me, I took one back.

"Malfoy, you stupid git! Back off!" Ok, now he was really starting to freak me out.

"Do you find me intimidating Granger?"

"Uh…no…not in the slightest…" Dammit! Don't stutter girl!

"Nobody will know…what will it matter?"

"Everything Malfoy, everything. Now _back off _and get back to your caldron!"

"Fine, whatever" He said, raising his hands. He then walked away, back to his side of the classroom, to leave me, on the floor with a scrubbing brush and a caldron with something that looked like fungus in it. _Great, just diddly. _

After I while, I was getting used to the whole cleaning pots idea. I was pretty damn good at it! I created a system…pretend to scrub for two minutes then whip out my wand and hey presto! No more fungus/toad spawn/Ron's outfit resembling ingredients.

"Granger" I heard from across the room.

"What is it that you could possibly want Malfoy?"

And then I heard it plain and simple.

"You"

"That's great Malfoy. Now go back to your daydreams of fucking Snape and all will be normal"

"No, I'm serious Granger. I have a thing for you"

"And Ron's a normal, healthy boy"

"Granger" then, I realised he was a few centimetres away from my face. "I think I'm in love with you"

"Excuse me?"

"I love you"

"Do _not _use the 'L' word in my presence!"

"But…"

"No! You don't love me. You aren't capable of love. You are only capable of loving yourself and you're fucked up haircut! Now, please, leave me in peace!"

_He said the 'L' word…he said the 'L' word…o lord, lordy lordy lordy. What's better, this or Ron's ensemble? Ok, I'll take Ron any day. _

He was soon at the other side of the classroom yet again, looking all sad and wistful.

"Just checking to see if the rumours were true if you drank from the furry cup Granger. Guess they were true, I mean, what kind of _sane _woman rejects me?"

Good Old Malfoy, back to the norm.

By 11 o'clock, the evening from hell was over. Thank you Merlin! As Malfoy and I headed back to our common room, he didn't say a thing to me (thank you Merlin); he didn't come on to me (thank you Merlin) or give me any strange look (**thank you** Merlin!). And then, it hit me, I was anticipating his sexual gestures so much…I was actually wanting it. Damn it! He's twisted my mind!

The next morning, we had one of those terribly annoying Prefects and Heads meetings. O joy. Just another excuse for Malfoy to try and worm his hand up my skirt. Except, this time, I didn't feel any snaky business going on down there. _Huh? This isn't normal. He doesn't look normal today. _And I was right, because, sitting next to him was Pansy Parkinson…our favourite waste of space – and I noticed they were passing notes. I should deduct points just for that! _Only cause your jealous…_

I slipped a peak at it while they thought I wasn't looking. Honestly, Slytherins are idiots.

**I want to fuck you tonight**

**And I you**

**Come to my rooms at 11 pm. Granger will probably be asleep by then.**

**Yeah, stupid mudblood**

**Hey Pansy, will you be my girlfriend?**

**Will I? Oh, god yes… (And that's not the only time I will be saying that…)**

**I can't wait**

Breathe Granger, breathe…it had become my new mantra during that fateful meeting. I then suddenly realised that everybody was voting on something. _Shit._

"All those who agree to a school dance say 'I'" and then suddenly, there were simultaneous "I's" throughout the room.

_Fuck, double fuck!_

Yay, a prom! Just what I was looking forward to…god, I will need to find a date. Pfft, as if I will get one. I hate being me…why oh why didn't I pash Malfoy senseless last night? Soon, everyone was walking out the room, gossiping about what they were going to wear and then, out of the corner of my eye, is see Malfoy down on his knee asking Parkinson to the dance. _Stupid bitch! _Hey…where did that come from?

As quickly as I was in, I was out, before that stupid ferret's decadence saps my will!

As soon as I was out of that room, I was wishing I was back in. Because who did I see running towards me…none other then the newly discovered transvestite Ronald Weasley. Yet another useless piece of fuck in my life.

"Herms!" he said, pulling me over and doing those weird French air-kiss thingies.

"Are you wearing mascara?"

"Yes! Ginny gave it to me! Isn't it fa-a-a-a-abulous?" He sounded like he was _bleating_.

"Yeah…uh…sure" Today, he had a weird gay accent. Just peachy. I am best friends with somebody who is unsure of their preference – and their sex. How can somebody with huge biceps wear heels? Am I the only person here with questions?

"Hermie, I was wondering if you would be my date to the prom." How did he find out so quickly, and then I noticed that somehow, there posters were _magically _appearing all over the place. I hate magic sometimes.

"Hermie…Hermie…you kind of zoned out for a second…I think you're twitching…"

"Huh, yeah, I'm alright"

"So, will you?"

"I…uh…no…Ron, we are over, done, gone, finished, _finitio_. Now leave me be! I don't want to be with a tri-sexual"

"Oh…alright…I'll go find Crabbe then!" And off he gallivanted into the unknown. I could punch that kid.

"Tut, tut, tut Granger" I then heard. I swear that blond is like one of those mosquitos' that just won't disappear!

"What is it now Malfoy?"

"You're dateless…you even rejected Weasley…what ever will you do?"

"Punch you?"

"I'm afraid" Then he and a hysterically giggling Parkinson walked off to presumably fuck in a broom closet.

Its amazing, suddenly, I have all these mixed feelings I never knew even existed. One minute, I want to punch the living daylights out of him, the next, I want to jump on top of him and do it like they do on that muggle discovery channel. I was devastated to say the least. I was angry…so very angry. Angry at him for leading me on, lying and then just being so damn sexy! And angry at myself for letting myself getting into those awkward positions, then anticipating them, then craving them like food. I can see the colours of deception right in front of my own two eyes, yet I am completely colour-blind to them.

With my emotional turmoil, I did what any other girl would do – run to their room and cry.

**A/N: There you have it – I'll update when I have the chance…bloody school work!  
Ps. I LOVE reviews! **


	13. The Floorshow

**A/N: Woah…thanks for the reviews guys! That made me feel so special…I really appreciate that you all take the time to write a message for me (and those of you that don't... Holds up fist menacingly). So, I present to you all…the 13th instalment of 'O, Woe is me'…**

**Disclaimer: ok, we all know I'm not JK Rowling. Do you honestly believe me to be? No, I didn't think so! **

Chapter Thirteen: The Floorshow

Do you know what tonight is? Do you? DO YOU?  
The dance.  
That's right. Our crappy, stupid, formal thing that I got roped into planning by McGonagall. Joy is the world. And I am so…excited! (Can you detect the sarcasm people?)

You see, I am dateless. That's right. Dateless. And do you know how demoralising that is? I'm not that ugly…am I? And I'm smart, and kind…and what do you know, I'm modest too!

I have a dress.  
It's a nice dress.  
Its cream coloured and it's tight around the bodice, with pieces of material hanging around my upper arms with sparkles on it. It feels like silk and from the bodice, there is silky material flowing down.  
And I paid a fucking fortune on that dress. Not to mention the shoes.  
And tonight, my hair is flowing down my back in soft curls people. That's right, I tamed the wild locks. It's a cold day in hell people.

So right now, I am lying alone on my grand head-girl bed, wallowing in my sorrows, realising that life really isn't all that people say its cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But isn't it depressing when the head boy or girl turns up to the last school dance of their life without a date?

This was supposed to be the year that made me, the year I found myself. The year that showed the world that I, Hermione Granger is not afraid of you all, that I am strong and I can triumph whatever I want to commit to. I can see now, that all I have said never will happen.

I feel smaller then I have ever felt in my life, I still don't know who I am, I am terrified and whatever I tried to commit to, failed miserably.

Ron has a date. RON. Transvestite Ron. And that makes me so sad. There are more people out there that would prefer to date Ron instead of me. Then again, I would have rather stabbed my own eyes out then turned up to the great hall with him on my arm.

Can't you just imagine it? Me sprawled out across me king sized silk red sheets, with cream self lying there with my fingers laced across my stomach, with tears falling down the sides of my face. Yes, I am reached a whole new level of pathetic ness.

I think I lay there for at least an hour before I heard a knock on my door.

"Uh…don't come in…I'm uh…naked" (I didn't want whoever it was to see me all teary eyed and defenceless)

"And that is a problem, because?" I heard a drawl from the other side of the door.  
Draco.

"Uh…come in then"

Draco then walked through the door. Dressed in a black tuxedo with his blond hair ruffled over his eyes. He looked me over and didn't even smirk, or laugh or give some sort of scathing remark. He simply smiled. I had never seen him smile before, and it took my breath away.

"You look beautiful Hermione"

"I do?"

"Yes"

"Oh"

"Listen, I made a mistake. I shouldn't have come on to you like that. I know it scared you"

"I didn't scare me!"

"Granger, let me finish"

"Ok"

"Do you ever shut up? Don't bother answering that. Anyway, I do like you. Really, I think I do. And it scares me to know that I have feelings for you that I have never felt in my entire life. And the truth is I quite like the feeling that I get whenever I see you. Whenever I touch or smell you. This isn't just a sexual thing anymore Hermione. I really, really think I love you"

I was silent for a few moments, I mean, and what does he expect me to do? Jump into his arms and fuck him on my bedroom floor? I think not! (Even though it sounds very tempting…)

"What about Pansy?" I finally piped up.

"I told her I couldn't date her"

"Meaning you publicly embarrassed her?"

"Of course"

"Only you Malfoy"

"Draco"

"Draco"

"Yes Hermione?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Fair enough I guess" I replied, what more did I honestly expect to get out of him? This is Ma – Draco we are talking about.

"Look, 'Mione"

"Don't call me 'Mione"

"Fine! Hermione! You don't deserve to be all alone up here. Come dance with me, please" He then looked at me with the most sincerity I have ever seen on the face of a person in my life.

"In exchange for just one thing"

"And what would that be?" He said, coming very close to my face.

"One kiss"

"Just one?"

"Just one"

And then, I felt his lips on top of mine and before I could react, his tongue was inside of my mouth. And for the first time, I fully embraced it. And I countered it with equal passion. Now that I thought about it, his lips were soft and his tongue was like velvet.

When we broke apart he took his hand in mine and started leading me down the stairs to the heads' common room, through the portrait and towards the great hall. Before I knew it, we were outside.

"Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be"

The doors then opened and I was graced with many pupils dancing, or talking or eating, enjoying there night.

We walked in, people smiling and waving at us, girls mouthing "you look great" or "you lucky bitch" my way. That was one of the best feelings I had ever had. People were envious of me. The green-eyed-monster cant be all that bad now that I think about it.

Draco and I were at a table, getting punch when I noticed an abundance of sequins out of the corner of my eye.

"Fuck no"

There was Ron, in his little ensemble, dancing with none other then Vincent Crabbe. And you thought Voldemort in a thong would be disturbing…

"Hermie!" He started calling out from across the room, breaking away from Crabbe and making his way over to us.

"Hide me!" I squealed and ducked behind Draco.

"Face your fears Hermione!"

"You try looking at him without crying or laughing or screaming in fear and lets see how far you get!"

"Hermie!" Ron said again as he was finally very close to us "Well, look at who got the best date tonight!" He said looking scornfully over at Draco.

"Ron, may I inquire as to what you are wearing?" I asked him, trying hard not to splutter in laughter and shock. He was wearing his usual corset and heels, with the garter and stockings, but now with a feather boa and red sequins all over the place.

"Herms, do you know the time warp?"

"I don't have my time turner if you mean…"

"No, it's a dance!"

"I'd prefer not to…"

I looked at Ron, and it seemed more humour now then something that would terrify me or make me so angry I could burst. And I realised something, I over reacted this whole time. I never wanted to lose a best friend…although I don't want to be a Fag Hag either. Now I had Draco though, who I knew would probably hold me when I would stumble and kiss me when I'm so angry I would convulse…I guess it makes me feel loved. He loves me enough to shut me up…if that is a good thing…

"Can I have this dance Hermione?" Draco said to me, pulling me away from the thrusting Ron.

"Of course"

He then pulled me onto the floor and we swayed to the melody of the music. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced.

By the time the night was over, I had drunken enough punch to make even Hagrid pass out. But it was all good.

"Drrraaaciiiii!"

"Oh dear Merlin"

And that's all I remember before I passed out that night.

Maybe it was because I was drunk of punch…or love. If you can call it that. I'll never know until this thing we have progresses. But until then…I will just warp up all this time I have with him and get down into the sins of the flesh…if he is insane enough to even touch me that is.

**A/N: I am so sorry it took so long it update!  
Reviews are greatly appreciated! **


	14. Pleasurable

**A/N: Thanks for all the response guys! I never expected that much…it's truly heart warming…**

**This chap is for the only person in the world who knows who P2 and I are…She has been nagging me excessively for this chapter, so here you are love!**

**Disclaimer: My first story shall be called Berry Snotter and the Dreamer's Pebble. **

Chapter Fourteen: I Found it quite…Pleasurable

I had my first orgasm.  
It was awkward…you know…Cumming on Draco's tongue after the dance…

And then, again, on his penis.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I had sex. SEX.

THAT'S RIGHT, HERMIONE GRANGER HAD SEX.

And uh…it was pretty bad, at first, but it got better.

You see, I find myself back in the common room, with Draco's tongue in my mouth and his hand on my boob. And that was a wake up call.

"Wait, wait, wait!"

"Huh?" Draco said, pulling away, a confused expression on his face. "I thought you wanted this?"

"I do! It's just…wait. Just, uh…let me get myself together"

"Granger, it is inevitable, we are going to have sex, tonight, and not even Ron and his weird assortment of sequins can stop us. So, either you are going to come up to my room, willingly. Or, I'm going to pick you up, throw you over my shoulder and carry you"

"But -"

"But what Granger?" He interrupted me "We both have been dreaming about this moment for ages"

"That's not what I was talking about dammit! Draco…I'm a, how can I put this? I'm a"

"Virgin?" He interrupted me, again.

"Yes" I replied, really embarrassed.

It's kind of hard, confessing to the sex-god of Hogwarts that you are a virgin.

"Granger, I knew that for a long time! C'mon who doesn't?"

You just twist that knife Malfoy…

"Granger, look. I don't want to put the pressure on you, and if you don't want to do this you honestly don't have to. Just be prepared to get a lot of shit if you don't" He finished, winking at me.

"This isn't a yes or no thing Malfoy. This, this is hard. I want to do it though. Yes, let's do it"

"Excellent" was all he said before he threw me onto the ground.

He started off by first kissing my lips softly, then, looking into my eyes for a moment, then kissing me again, although it was rougher the next time.

He then started trailing kisses down my neck, stopping to suck on a certain spot…which made me squirm.

"Like that, don't you Granger?" He said, before doing it again.

All I could do was nod, I was scared to say anything; because I knew that I would either say something that would completely ruin the moment, or I would just embarrass both him and myself. So, I kept my mouth shut and let him do all the work.

He continued to trail the kisses after the sucking of my neck, till he got to the top of my dress. He pulled me up off the floor and picked me up – bridal style – and carried me into his suite.

"Uh…Malfoy?" I said, sounding unsure.

"What is it Granger?" He replied, sounding annoyed (he was kissing my stomach at that moment)

"Do you…um…have…you know…protection?"

"Protection?" He questioned me, lifting up his face to look into my eyes "What do you mean protection?"

"You know…its not on, it's not on?"

"What's not on?"

"Do you have a condom?"

"What in the name of Merlin's pink polka dotted panties is a condom?"

"Its something you…um…look, never mind. I don't want to get pregnant"

He started laughing his head off at me, to be frank, I was insulted!

"What's so funny Malfoy?"

"Haven't you heard of…hahaha…pregnancy charm…Granger, you crack me up!"

"It's not funny Malfoy! This is a serious matter!"

"Way to kill the mood Granger"

"Look, I'm sorry, but it's important!"

"I'll perform the charm on you when we are done, ok? Just try not to talk. Certain phrases, sure, like 'Oh Draco' etc. Other then that, try not to kill my hard-on ok?"

"Uh huh" I grumbled.

So, he went back to his careful ministrations on my stomach, kissing his way down until he reached the brim of my underwear, and with one swift movement, they were gone. He continued his kissing, on my curls.

I wasn't sure what kind of reaction he wanted, so I did what the girls do in every Mills and Boon book I have encountered through one Ginny Weasley; I moaned – softly at first.

But the moans grew louder, as his lips went lower, and lower. Eventually, they began sucking. I didn't know how one could achieve this amount of pleasure. _Note to self, research orgasms tomorrow at library. _

I began twisting and turning, feeling waves of intense pleasure wash over me. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Draco lift his head up. He looked me in the eye and said, "So there's something your precious books haven't taught you". I didn't want to ruin the moment even further, so I laughed and pulled him down so I could kiss him.

We kissed passionately for a while, me enjoying the fact that someone actually wanted to kiss me, him enjoying the fact that he's getting some action. _Bastard. _

He pulled away from me and looked at me in the eyes again and said, "Are you sure Granger? There's no going back now". I nodded my head slowly and he leaned down to kiss me again. Soon, I felt something hard pressed against my opening. And then, he thrusted.

At first, it really hurt. I cried out in pain, and he quietened me with his lips. Soon, the pain passed and I felt more pleasure. It was unbelievable. It was like nothing I had never felt before. Sure, what he did with his tongue was good; although it was nothing compared to this.

He continued his thrusting business for a few more minutes, and I continued with moaning and writhing. It eventually built up to a massive crescendo. Us both calling out each others names in pleasure, and him declaring something I would have never expected.

"I love you Hermione! Fuck it, I love you!"

_Oh my holy Mary mother of my fucking god_.

He did not just say that! He did not just say that! I didn't know what to do! I knew my feelings towards him. I loved him too. I wasn't sure whether to put myself out there or not, tell him I loved him too.

He fell on top of me, breathing deeply. He cradled himself on me, and I loved the feeling of him cuddling me.

And then I replied.

"I love you too Draco"

I could feel him smirk against my neck, and I was very content.

**A/N: Alright, one more chapter to go ladies (and maybe Gents). Watch Rocky Horror Picture show, and then you will understand the last chapter. I'm serious, it will make no sense to you if you don't! **


	15. The Grand Finale!

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own!**

_**Chapter 15: The Grand Finale!**_

I woke up the next morning feeling warm breath on my neck. I suddenly remembered last night's events.  
_Oh dear lord!  
_It was then I also remembered that Draco told me he loved me. Haha! And once again, Hermione triumphs!

It took me a while to work out what I really wanted, and I guess I can say that I still am confused. At the beginning of this charming tale, I guess I wanted a boyfriend more then I wanted Ron, and when I realised Ron's oddities, I guess I realised it wasn't him that I wanted. What one wants and what one needs are two very different things, and I guess throughout this year I have learnt that. For, it isn't usual for a girl with big hair and big teeth to get what she so direly needs.

I don't think I would have ever really appreciated the fact that what I needed was actually Draco. But then, who would have guessed Ron has a strange fetish? Not I. But that doesn't matter anymore. We all came together, realising that having something strange about us made us better.

For, where would I be if I weren't big teeth, big hair know-it-all Hermione Granger? My life wouldn't be _my life _if I wasn't who I am. I wouldn't have fallen for Draco if I weren't a Mudblood, and I don't think he would have fallen for me either. And whatever the future brings, I guess I am prepared. For, nothing can be as wacky as this year has been.

"Hermione?"

Someone gurgled behind me

"Yes?"

"You're thinking"

"How did you know?"

"You have that dazed look on your face"

"Oh"

Draco then kissed my cheek.

"And I wouldn't have you any other way"

DMHG/HGDM/DMHG

Hogwarts fiction, with Draco featured

Hermione has won and tamed the creature

With Ron's new clothes, the people of Hogwarts must bet

Whether or not he comes from a distant planet

Wo oh oh oh oh oh

At the late night, Draco featured, Hogwarts show

With sequins shown

Oh oh oh oh

At the late night, Draco featured, Hogwarts show…..

**A/N: This is the end, beautiful friends, the end. Of elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end… (The End – The Doors)**

**Well, I guess this is the end Ladies! And what a lovely ride it has been. Thank you for everyone's feedback.  
xoxo  
P1**


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